2010..eeks.

so it's officially 2010. && with that comes the making of resolutions, and the acknowledging of the breaking of resolutions in 2009.

i really want to quit smoking. i've tried the gum. i've tried cold turkey. next stop, the patch.

i want to be at least 115 pounds. this is just about average for my body type and height (5'2), i weighed this my sr. year of highschool, && i feel like i'd fit in my own body better if i just lost these last few nagging pounds. i'm at 123 right now. so just 8 lbs. i feel like i'd be in better shape, less panting when walking, and feel better in my own skin.

i don't want to be in any unhealthy relationships this year. at all.

on the note of the last resolution. i'm reevaluating what i want in a mate.
no this is not one of those checklists that you see overcontroling women with sticks up their rear ends make (hence, the ugly truth), && refuse to change or allow exceptions, and fall in love with the checklist rather than a real man. i realize that there is no perfect man out there. people are people. you gotta take the good with the bad. but i'm tired of settling for only receiving the bad in the male species, and i feel it's time to take control of my own love life and at the very least, set some mild and healthy dream guidelines for the type of person i would like to be with.

1. passion. he's gotta be passionate about SOMETHING in his life. i don't even care what. but an unpassionate life isn't much of a life at all.
2. goals, dreams, aspirations, hopes. he's gotta have something he's working towards. it kinda goes along with the passion thing.
3. respect. he needs to respect me, as a person, as a woman, as a partner, as an equal. and the rest of the world too. no racists, no bigots, no self-righteous, etc.
4. laugh. he has to make me laugh. i just am not even interested in people who don't.
5. well read. i have never been with a guy who loved to read. it would be amazing to have someone enjoy my passion.
6. faith. my faith is really important to me. and while believing exactly as i do is definately not a requirement it's still important to me that faith is something we could share. "a woman's heart should be so close to the Lord that a man should have to look to Him to find it."
7. priority. i do not expect to be #1 in a guy's life. i think family and friends, and sometimes even dreams/hopes/jobs/ etc have to come first. i beleive in balance. making time for all of the priorities. i don't like those couples who drop everything important to them, friends, jobs, hobbies, just to be with their significant other. i am not like that. i will not do that. but i do make the person in my life feel important, i do include them, i do make time for them, and they know that they matter through my actions and my words. i want the same. i want to matter.
8. friends. my friends have got to approve. i don't care if they don't end up bff. but i want to be able to incorporate hanging out with my boy along with my friends.
9. accept me. at my worst and at my best. like me for me. like me because i bite my lip when i'm nervous, because i'm never on time, because my house is a mess and i could live out of my car for a month just fine. like me because i hate pork and could never kill anything, like me because i'm compassionate, like me because i cry at commercials and laugh at old slasher movies. like me because when i get mad i just bawl. like me because i push people, never give up on people, and can drive a man insane. like me because i have morals. like me because i break rules. like me because i'm a bitch in the mornings. like me because i'm insecure. like me because i'm shy, like me because i call too much, because i expect the best out of everyone, because i'm clingy, because sometimes i'm selfish. accept me at my worst.
10. be patient. with me. with chidren. with life in general.
11. do not be moody! i hate when guys are moodier than me, and i'm not very moody. let shit roll off your shoulders, pick your battles, it's not the end of the world. dont bring my mood down just because you had a shitty day at work. let me bring your mood up.
12. be silly. be free. be independent. be spontaneous. be romantic. be goofy. be nerdy. be geeky. be dangerous. be exciting. be compassionate. be loving. be care-free. be responsible. be hard-working. be mature. be child-like.
i contradict myself.
maybe i expect to much.

a girl can dream i suppose.
happy new year.