how the hell do you walk away from happiness?

i am really wishing i hadn't allowed my heart to get involved

they say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all

well i agree

except i already loved and lost

so how the hell did i allow myself to lose again?

that's gotta be plain fuckin' stupidity on my part



if you know what you want there's always something you can do about it

you just have to decide if it's worth the consequences



yeah. like life's that simple.



so fine let's say i agree with that.



i'm def. thinking it's not worth the consequences.



i like who i am.

i love who i'm becoming.

but if you don't like me at my worst,

how the hell do you think you deserve to be around for my best?



you don't get to keep a peice of me here a part of me there

and leave out all the bad.

you can't have my future and not accept my past.

you can't have me on my good days and ignore me on my bad.

it does not work that way.



i'm so tired of feeling vulnerable.

so tired of feeling like i don't matter.

i'm not important.



i should never have made him a priority when i am so clearly an option in his life.

an option.

not a need.

not even really a desire.

not a want.

just an option.

you have the option of having me.



wanting me should be a damn pre-requisite.



i said i would do whatever it took, all i could, to try to make this happen, to try to make it work

i didn't want to walk away with the thought "what if i'd tried a little harder? what if i'd stuck around and waited it out?"

well maybe i have stuck around all one person can.

maybe i've done all i can and sitting around anylonger will only hurt me.



i want you.

with every fiber of my being.

my gut my heart my soul my mind

they all say you.

i don't know what that means.

i don't know what would happen if you finally stopped getting in your own way and just let this happen between us.

i don't know if we'd last half a second or for years.

all i know is i want you.



and know i know i don't think i'll ever have you.



and since i'm tired of the door slamming me in the face

of all the locks and walls put up in front of me in this whole situation

maybe it's time i shut a door and walk away



i'm just scared of walking away from something that could truly make me happy, in a wonderful, fun, passionate and healthy way.



but i'm not happy now.

and maybe it's time i worry about my own happiness instead of yours.



i hope you figure it out.

i hope you figure out that i could make you happy.

that you care for me as much as i care for you.

that this could be a great fun exciting experience for us.



i just hope i'm here when you figure it out.

cause as of right now i'm walking.

such is life

so i've decided this must be the new xanga.

&& since i love xanga truly, but nobody uses it, perhaps i shall try this.

only problem is, if people use this, my wretched little thoughts'll be public.

that could be trouble lol.

no worries folks. i'll try to keep it pg13....mostly.



i talked to kayla for 2 hours tonight.

she's my bffl.

since she was 12 and i was 13.

i'm almost 21. lol that's ridiculous.

love it.



i'm re-reading new moon for the umpteenth time.

i'm wondering when i'll get sick of stephanie meyer's sophomoric, cliche'd teenage romance.

i'm thinking never lol.

there's just something about the mix of true love, beautiful people, passion and vampires that gets my heart goin'.



the sororities are singing outside again.

they're loud. i don't know why they're always singing. loudly.

i've decided this is the most annoying factor to living on greek row.

that and homecoming.

that was a shitcan of fucking annoying.



oh fyi i curse a lot.



kloe raylen learned to walk today.

for those of you who don't know her, she's pretty much the light of my life.

she's my unofficial goddaughter. which basically means her mom is my best friend. and we hang out all the damn time. and i get to buy her presents and take an obscene amount of pictures of her.

it's the best thing in the world.



i guess i should tell you, anyone who might read this, a little bit about myself.



i write. a lot. poems mostly.

i read even more than i write.

i like smutty shows like sex and the city and gossip girl.

i have only been in love once in my life.

i'm going to be an elementary teacher.

i'm going to live in new york city in june of 2010!

oh and i graduate in may of 2010. from college. lol.

i have never ridden a roller coaster.

i don't eat pork.

i care entirely too much about too many things and too many people.

i have a knack for caring about people who do not give a shit about me.

it's annoying.

i love going on randomass adventures.

lawn gnome hunting, random road trips, center of the universe outings, trips to priscillas for absolutely no reason, driving around with nowhere to go, i don't care what we're doing or where we're going, i just like going.

i love the rain. hate being wet.

i have 11 peircings and 3 tattoos and hate needles.

i'm an incredibly sexual person who doesn't have sex...anymore.

i love God and Jesus and have faith and hate hate hate organized religion.



ok here are some things i really wanna do

go on an all day long horseback riding adventure

go camping

go fishing

go on a roadtrip

ride a roller coaster

learn how to drive a standard

learn how to ride a motorcycle

go surfing

go snorkeling

live in nyc

see the whole damn world

write a novel, a children's book and a book of poetry and have someone famous sing my song lyrics

dance in the pouring rain buck naked

have sex on a speeding train (ok sorry not quite so pg13 here lol. well i said mostly!)

buy some new glasses (i lost mine...again)

buy a new phone (i broke mine...again)



ok done for now.

bye lovers!