i've got a feelin...

that tonight's gonna be a good night.

ok well actually no lol. but that song is bloody stuck in my head.

so is the word bloody. i re-read a book by p.c. cast, (goddess of light) && her main character (pamela) says "bloody" and "buggering hell" all the time. so now of course, i have been too.

today by all rights && purposes "should" be a good day. tonight should be a good night. i've caught up with a few friends. had a wonderful lunch date with a very nice boy. am spending the day with a lovely friend going tattoo shopping and if i get lucky i'll come home with a new tattoo that says "faith is being sure of what you hope for" along my left waistline (pics to come). i have plans with good friends tonight to get a good drink at a decent bar. && yet tonight will most likely not be a good night.

a certain someone walked into my life && irrevocably changed it 6 years ago today. the fact that i notice the date, feel sad over the date (even though today should be a good day because of my good plans and good friends despite the date), makes me feel pathetic. truly pathetic.
and old.
6 years. i am old. i am...what's the word? pre-old? prematurely old! that's it.
i am prematurely old.
i am gray.

i am silly. that's for sure.
this whole mess is silly.

so friends. despite the fact that i am haunted by today's date. i am going to do my bloody well best to frigging ignore it.
and after this post i'm not going to talk about it.
i'm not going to think about it.
i am woman hear me roar dammit!
i am going to have fun with my friends && do my best to pretend today means absolutely nothing more than a tuesday in december.
yes. that's my plan.

we'll see how it goes.

christmas wishlist

(impossible heights i am asking for i know. but hey a girl can dream can't she?)

1. a boy like this, under my mistletoe.


2. a house to live in come february and a roomate to boot.


3. a motorcycle (haha i know, not gonna happen)


4. a new digital camera (i may buy this for myself soon enough)

5. a duck. yes i'm serious.


6. someone to publish my poetry. gah, what i wouldn't give.

7. a holiday with my family where nobody fights.

8. a vacation lol. nyc, or hawaii would be my premier choices.
anywhere would do really.

9. a new job. maybe fox and hound? somewhere on the weekends where i can make enough money to not go broke when i'm student teaching.

10. hope. for me. for my friends. for my family. everyone's hurting right now.
is it just the holidays? i just don't know.


11. a new tattoo. dear god i'm craving it SO bad.

julie/julia project

i'm watching julie & julia. it's adoreable.
i've been blogging on various websites for years.
i wonder if i'll ever be famous for my thoughts. ha.
probably not.

i can relate to poor julie.
i feel very lost lately.
nearly 22 years old.
graduating in a mere 5 months.
and no idea where i'm going to be living come february.
what i'll do.
where i'll teach.
oh lord.
lol well it'll work out eventually.

i'm going to the nutcracker on sunday.
i'm going to buy a brand new red dress.
there's something about a new dress that makes a girl feel like a new woman.
and lord knows i need to feel like a new woman.
or hell, a woman in general rather than a child ha.

things i am in love with at the moment:
connermonster, the 2 year old i watch frequently.
the new hoodie i got from walmart. who would've thought? it's so snuggly.
scotty's new puppies. they're like a cross between hamsters and dogs. it's the best thing ever.

i wrote a children's book for a class
it's a non-fiction book about adoption.
for children who want to learn more about adoption,
whether they know someone whose adopted,
or have an adopted sibling or are about to get an adopted sibling,
or are themselves adopted,
or simply are curious children.
i read it to my class.
2 students wanted a copy.
my professor gave me a website to help me get it published.
my mom cried.

am i a writer?
we shall see. we shall see.

getting a little burned out

this is not gonna be a happy-go-lucky post.
i am getting a little burned out.
on these things:

clingy boys
boys who are jackasses
ok boys in general
getting blamed for things that aren't my fault
dealing with blame and shame and consequences of decisions i made years ago.
COLLEGE. nuff said.
not drinking pop anymore. i miss it.
lack of money.
lack of gas. due to lack of money.
incredibly high credit card bill. (at least i don't have loans.)
my tiny apt.
STILLWATER. nuff said.
driving back and forth to tulsa.
feeling like i can't really depend on anyone at this point.
fighting with my mother.
having maybe 3 hours of free time a day and that's pushing it.
my job.
crappy cell phone chargers.
incredibly high electric bills.
not having anyone to go to church with me. i prefer not to go alone.
headaches.
bugs.
this heat/humidity.
house shopping.
ASSHOLES.

wait i think i said that one twice.

ok i know i'm being whiney/childish/bitchy.
but i'm seriously at my freakin wits end.
i'm not sure how much more i can take!
i'm just so sick of people bailing on me.
feeling like i'm not important.

when i make the people closest to me my whole dang world.
why do i feel like they make me the bottom of their to-do-lists?
and someimes...i'm not even on the damn list.

I AM SO READY TO FREAKING GRADUATE AND MOVE AWAY.
far far far freaking away.

i need:
new friends. (except a select few of course. i'll keep them lol)
new town.
new place to live.
new job...with a SALARY. gah.
new weather!
a brand spankin' new life.


ok so to end on a less ridiculous note.
here's some things i'm currently grateful for:

getting closer to my sister. finally.
the hugs my kids at work give me, they're comfort food for my soul i swear.
the fact that i graduate in less than 10 months. i can officially see the light at the end of the tunnel THANK GOD.
well on that note: GOD.
caffeine. (in tea form)
my animals (when they're behaving.)
my dad's financial support with school.
the internet.


bah humbug.

i was right, shoudla known.
no way to ignore the elephant for too long.
&& here we are again, same old dance,
same old song.

i don't know which way is up or down
he always has that effect on me
i guess we'll find out if yesterday
was meant to be.


my week of summer is nearly over. i've been in tulsa this week.
tomorrow i drive to missouri for my sister's graduation.
tuesday i drive back to tulsa, pick up the cat.... && possibly a duck,
and drive back to stilly. at least that's the plan if work lets me off for one more day.
then wednesday i start school for the summer and work again at a job i'm getting burned out on.

2 months and i move back to tulsa.
and i get a house.
then just one more semester of classes.
one semester after that of student teaching.
and i'm done.
off to nyc quicker than you can say "holy shit she graduated on time?"

it couldn't come soon enough.

rest in peace sweet erin. sing with the angels && welcome us when we come home.

your philambfam misses you.

when you see my face hope it gives you hell hope it gives you hell


lost a friend this weekend.

my neice-little in my sorority.

we weren't as close as we should've been.

but she touched my life and heart nonetheless.

tragic endings to beautiful stories.



i've always felt that's how my life would play out.

cause that is always how my life plays out.



and i haven't talked to him in two damn weeks nearly.

i can't face it.

i don't wanna hurt again. and it's much easier if i pretend it's not there.



and already i'm slipping back into old habbits.

they die hard.

people i dont want. guys i don't need.



i like one. but he's probably not worth my time.

at least that's how it's playing out.



and none of it matters anyway. cause when i stop ignoring the big elephant in the room, i know i can't really care for anyone else. probalby won't be able to for a long time.

and tha'ts pathetic. and i hate that.



when you see my face hope it gives you hell.



i'm going to go buy an easter dress for erin's funeral.

that's what she wanted.

prayers for her loved ones/family/boyfriend are so appreciated.



when you walk away

hope it gives you hell.

how the hell do you walk away from happiness?

i am really wishing i hadn't allowed my heart to get involved

they say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all

well i agree

except i already loved and lost

so how the hell did i allow myself to lose again?

that's gotta be plain fuckin' stupidity on my part



if you know what you want there's always something you can do about it

you just have to decide if it's worth the consequences



yeah. like life's that simple.



so fine let's say i agree with that.



i'm def. thinking it's not worth the consequences.



i like who i am.

i love who i'm becoming.

but if you don't like me at my worst,

how the hell do you think you deserve to be around for my best?



you don't get to keep a peice of me here a part of me there

and leave out all the bad.

you can't have my future and not accept my past.

you can't have me on my good days and ignore me on my bad.

it does not work that way.



i'm so tired of feeling vulnerable.

so tired of feeling like i don't matter.

i'm not important.



i should never have made him a priority when i am so clearly an option in his life.

an option.

not a need.

not even really a desire.

not a want.

just an option.

you have the option of having me.



wanting me should be a damn pre-requisite.



i said i would do whatever it took, all i could, to try to make this happen, to try to make it work

i didn't want to walk away with the thought "what if i'd tried a little harder? what if i'd stuck around and waited it out?"

well maybe i have stuck around all one person can.

maybe i've done all i can and sitting around anylonger will only hurt me.



i want you.

with every fiber of my being.

my gut my heart my soul my mind

they all say you.

i don't know what that means.

i don't know what would happen if you finally stopped getting in your own way and just let this happen between us.

i don't know if we'd last half a second or for years.

all i know is i want you.



and know i know i don't think i'll ever have you.



and since i'm tired of the door slamming me in the face

of all the locks and walls put up in front of me in this whole situation

maybe it's time i shut a door and walk away



i'm just scared of walking away from something that could truly make me happy, in a wonderful, fun, passionate and healthy way.



but i'm not happy now.

and maybe it's time i worry about my own happiness instead of yours.



i hope you figure it out.

i hope you figure out that i could make you happy.

that you care for me as much as i care for you.

that this could be a great fun exciting experience for us.



i just hope i'm here when you figure it out.

cause as of right now i'm walking.

such is life

so i've decided this must be the new xanga.

&& since i love xanga truly, but nobody uses it, perhaps i shall try this.

only problem is, if people use this, my wretched little thoughts'll be public.

that could be trouble lol.

no worries folks. i'll try to keep it pg13....mostly.



i talked to kayla for 2 hours tonight.

she's my bffl.

since she was 12 and i was 13.

i'm almost 21. lol that's ridiculous.

love it.



i'm re-reading new moon for the umpteenth time.

i'm wondering when i'll get sick of stephanie meyer's sophomoric, cliche'd teenage romance.

i'm thinking never lol.

there's just something about the mix of true love, beautiful people, passion and vampires that gets my heart goin'.



the sororities are singing outside again.

they're loud. i don't know why they're always singing. loudly.

i've decided this is the most annoying factor to living on greek row.

that and homecoming.

that was a shitcan of fucking annoying.



oh fyi i curse a lot.



kloe raylen learned to walk today.

for those of you who don't know her, she's pretty much the light of my life.

she's my unofficial goddaughter. which basically means her mom is my best friend. and we hang out all the damn time. and i get to buy her presents and take an obscene amount of pictures of her.

it's the best thing in the world.



i guess i should tell you, anyone who might read this, a little bit about myself.



i write. a lot. poems mostly.

i read even more than i write.

i like smutty shows like sex and the city and gossip girl.

i have only been in love once in my life.

i'm going to be an elementary teacher.

i'm going to live in new york city in june of 2010!

oh and i graduate in may of 2010. from college. lol.

i have never ridden a roller coaster.

i don't eat pork.

i care entirely too much about too many things and too many people.

i have a knack for caring about people who do not give a shit about me.

it's annoying.

i love going on randomass adventures.

lawn gnome hunting, random road trips, center of the universe outings, trips to priscillas for absolutely no reason, driving around with nowhere to go, i don't care what we're doing or where we're going, i just like going.

i love the rain. hate being wet.

i have 11 peircings and 3 tattoos and hate needles.

i'm an incredibly sexual person who doesn't have sex...anymore.

i love God and Jesus and have faith and hate hate hate organized religion.



ok here are some things i really wanna do

go on an all day long horseback riding adventure

go camping

go fishing

go on a roadtrip

ride a roller coaster

learn how to drive a standard

learn how to ride a motorcycle

go surfing

go snorkeling

live in nyc

see the whole damn world

write a novel, a children's book and a book of poetry and have someone famous sing my song lyrics

dance in the pouring rain buck naked

have sex on a speeding train (ok sorry not quite so pg13 here lol. well i said mostly!)

buy some new glasses (i lost mine...again)

buy a new phone (i broke mine...again)



ok done for now.

bye lovers!