i am in hawaii!!!
i'm learning new words.
I've seen my first beautiful hawaiian beach and am going again later today.
i'm blogging about it on http://raedoeshawaii.blogspot.com/
follow me ;)
i don't miss home or people yet.
i do however miss my cat.
we'll see how it goes.
2 job interviews tomorrow for nannying jobs.
we'll see :)
Monday, May 24, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
graduation, dum dum da dum!
i turned 22 12 days ago.
my graduation party was yesterday. (it was a success, minus the conversational elephant in the corner-not a specific person lol. many thanks to my mother, family and friends.)
i graduate today.
i leave for hawaii in 13 days.
i may have a job at a church as a youth director.
i'd actually been thinking a lot about how that was my original plan.
i felt called into ministry when i was younger.
then i slowly began to feel more and more that i wasn't worthy of such a job (God has recently been reminding me that NO ONE is worthy of such a job for Him, and He frequently used/befriended/etc the lowest of the low throughout His book, and just because I feel unworthy doesn't neccesarily mean He thinks I can't do it).
i changed my college plans, fell in love with teaching, and decided to get my degree in that. (still in love with teaching-however there are no jobs in oklahoma, and tis where my heart is. i'm a taurus-homebody, i don't feel like leaving permanantly quite yet.)
i had decided (as a young one) that after i got my degree i might go to seminary school or simply become a youth director (which is like a youth pastor minus the seminary school, you're in charge of organizing/leading/directing in a sense the youth program for a church. i had a WONDERFUL youth director growing up).
a friend of mine got a position as a youth director and i was reminded all over again how that was the original plan.
i started to think about how i might try to get involved again in a church and start volunteering with the youth as a way of quelching that passion of mine i've had for so long.
and then an opportunity may have arisen for me to follow my original (possibly God's original?) plan for my life.
ironic? coincidence? very possibly a God thing.
we'll see how it works out.
my heart's kind of a mess lately.
and more and more i feel it layed on my heart that before i can share my life with another person i must be able to handle my life alone, and i must learn to rely on my God rather than on another human before He'll make room in my heart/mind/life for a man. i don't want a man to come and save me on his white horse and put my broken heart back together again. i don't want a man to fix me. i don't want a man to make me whole. i want to be whole, i want God to fix my broken heart and fill up the parts of me that are lacking. i want to be a strong independent woman, a daughter of God, an adult, successful, strong (notice the repetition of strong). only then will i share my world with someone else (remember, i'm kinda anti-marriage lately, and i'm not talking HUGE life altering commitments, i'm talking even dating, even a boyfriend. i gotta be a strong woman before i can be a good girlfriend.)
we shall see.
my new goals:
enjoy my vacation in hawaii with the lovely anthonys.
help contribute in their household, food, cleaning, money, etc. (you laugh but i'm better at cleaning for others than for myself).
find some sort of easy vacation-type part time job for the summer to help contribute and save.
eat healthier, go walking, get tan. (i would like to lose a good 10-15 pounds, but who wouldn't? this is more of a guidline than a weight goal. i'd like to be healthier.)
spend as much time on the beach AS POSSIBLE.
finish my damn book (publish??)
get a job(career please, not waitressing) (fingers crossed) for the fall.
find a place to live (probably with miss kennedy, affordable please, and let it not be an apartment).
buy a new car (cheap, good gas mileage, not old, four doors please).
pay off my credit card.
pay my grandmother back for her loan.
move my horse down to oklahoma (find a stable- approx $150 a month, $30 every 3 months for feet clipping, $100 a year for vet bills- all do-able, if i have a big kid job).
take more certification exams. (social studies? ELL? Special Ed? Early Childhood? idk)
eventually become a foster mother (when i live on my own, have no debt, good job, etc).
live my life. :)
good goals i think. we shall see.
i learned the hard way a long time ago that i frequently do not know what is best for me (despite my taurean stubborn nature of i know it all). God will show me where i need to be, who i need to be with, and what i need to be doing. He always has (i however do not always listen).
sorry if this one was a little preachy but i'm not sorry for sharing what's on my heart and lately He's been puttin' quite a bit there. :)
on a whole different notion miss elle (my only reader, sad day) asked that i share more of my own work instead of constantly sharing others. so here you go ellebelle.
March 18th, 2009
PEACE
in the heat of the night i feel a steady peace
maybe it comes from your breathing
or mine
or the calming pattern of raindrops on the rooftop
or the way it feels when you hold me close
fast asleep
i've seen the struggles of another day now done
hurtful slights, uphill battles
wounds and bruises over old scars
but here in this place i feel myself begin to heal
as if there was never a part of me missing
a hole in my heart where you left
as if none of the pain ever happened
or mattered
mountains and valleys and storms and summer
if there's one thing i know of love
you take the good with the bad
here in this heat in this night in this bed
i feel your heart beat
and i feel mine start to beat again
after so long
lying so dormant
and peace fills me
for maybe coincidence is only chance happenings
maybe life is one big endless faltering choice
but here beside you i can't help but feel
perhaps we made it through the years
to each other
so we could heal
and because i love to, i'll share someone else's wisdom:
"you don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step" martin luther king jr.
yes yes m.k. i need to remember that.
:)
my graduation party was yesterday. (it was a success, minus the conversational elephant in the corner-not a specific person lol. many thanks to my mother, family and friends.)
i graduate today.
i leave for hawaii in 13 days.
i may have a job at a church as a youth director.
i'd actually been thinking a lot about how that was my original plan.
i felt called into ministry when i was younger.
then i slowly began to feel more and more that i wasn't worthy of such a job (God has recently been reminding me that NO ONE is worthy of such a job for Him, and He frequently used/befriended/etc the lowest of the low throughout His book, and just because I feel unworthy doesn't neccesarily mean He thinks I can't do it).
i changed my college plans, fell in love with teaching, and decided to get my degree in that. (still in love with teaching-however there are no jobs in oklahoma, and tis where my heart is. i'm a taurus-homebody, i don't feel like leaving permanantly quite yet.)
i had decided (as a young one) that after i got my degree i might go to seminary school or simply become a youth director (which is like a youth pastor minus the seminary school, you're in charge of organizing/leading/directing in a sense the youth program for a church. i had a WONDERFUL youth director growing up).
a friend of mine got a position as a youth director and i was reminded all over again how that was the original plan.
i started to think about how i might try to get involved again in a church and start volunteering with the youth as a way of quelching that passion of mine i've had for so long.
and then an opportunity may have arisen for me to follow my original (possibly God's original?) plan for my life.
ironic? coincidence? very possibly a God thing.
we'll see how it works out.
my heart's kind of a mess lately.
and more and more i feel it layed on my heart that before i can share my life with another person i must be able to handle my life alone, and i must learn to rely on my God rather than on another human before He'll make room in my heart/mind/life for a man. i don't want a man to come and save me on his white horse and put my broken heart back together again. i don't want a man to fix me. i don't want a man to make me whole. i want to be whole, i want God to fix my broken heart and fill up the parts of me that are lacking. i want to be a strong independent woman, a daughter of God, an adult, successful, strong (notice the repetition of strong). only then will i share my world with someone else (remember, i'm kinda anti-marriage lately, and i'm not talking HUGE life altering commitments, i'm talking even dating, even a boyfriend. i gotta be a strong woman before i can be a good girlfriend.)
we shall see.
my new goals:
enjoy my vacation in hawaii with the lovely anthonys.
help contribute in their household, food, cleaning, money, etc. (you laugh but i'm better at cleaning for others than for myself).
find some sort of easy vacation-type part time job for the summer to help contribute and save.
eat healthier, go walking, get tan. (i would like to lose a good 10-15 pounds, but who wouldn't? this is more of a guidline than a weight goal. i'd like to be healthier.)
spend as much time on the beach AS POSSIBLE.
finish my damn book (publish??)
get a job(career please, not waitressing) (fingers crossed) for the fall.
find a place to live (probably with miss kennedy, affordable please, and let it not be an apartment).
buy a new car (cheap, good gas mileage, not old, four doors please).
pay off my credit card.
pay my grandmother back for her loan.
move my horse down to oklahoma (find a stable- approx $150 a month, $30 every 3 months for feet clipping, $100 a year for vet bills- all do-able, if i have a big kid job).
take more certification exams. (social studies? ELL? Special Ed? Early Childhood? idk)
eventually become a foster mother (when i live on my own, have no debt, good job, etc).
live my life. :)
good goals i think. we shall see.
i learned the hard way a long time ago that i frequently do not know what is best for me (despite my taurean stubborn nature of i know it all). God will show me where i need to be, who i need to be with, and what i need to be doing. He always has (i however do not always listen).
sorry if this one was a little preachy but i'm not sorry for sharing what's on my heart and lately He's been puttin' quite a bit there. :)
on a whole different notion miss elle (my only reader, sad day) asked that i share more of my own work instead of constantly sharing others. so here you go ellebelle.
March 18th, 2009
PEACE
in the heat of the night i feel a steady peace
maybe it comes from your breathing
or mine
or the calming pattern of raindrops on the rooftop
or the way it feels when you hold me close
fast asleep
i've seen the struggles of another day now done
hurtful slights, uphill battles
wounds and bruises over old scars
but here in this place i feel myself begin to heal
as if there was never a part of me missing
a hole in my heart where you left
as if none of the pain ever happened
or mattered
mountains and valleys and storms and summer
if there's one thing i know of love
you take the good with the bad
here in this heat in this night in this bed
i feel your heart beat
and i feel mine start to beat again
after so long
lying so dormant
and peace fills me
for maybe coincidence is only chance happenings
maybe life is one big endless faltering choice
but here beside you i can't help but feel
perhaps we made it through the years
to each other
so we could heal
and because i love to, i'll share someone else's wisdom:
"you don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step" martin luther king jr.
yes yes m.k. i need to remember that.
:)
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