i'm built to fade like your favorite song

"move on like a sinner's prayer, let go like a levee breaks, walk away as if i don't care, learn to shoulder my mistakes, i'm built to fade like your favorite song, getting restless when there's no need, laugh as your story rambles on, break my heart but it won't bleed, my only friends are pirates, it's just who i am, i'm better as a memory than as your man...i never stay but then again i might, i struggle sometimes to find the words...always sure until i doubt, built walls too high to climb out, i'm honest to a fault it's just who i am...i'm just a dreamer and nothing more thought i should tell you before it gets too late, cause goodbyes are like a roulette wheel, never know where they're gonna land, first you're spinning then you're standing still, left holding a losing hand but one day you're gonna find someone, right away you'll know it's true, that all of your seeking's done, just a part of the passing through, right then in that moment, you'll finally understand, i was better as a memory than as your man"

i'm giving up pop for lent.
not excited.

i've been working more on my book.
i think, maybe, that we're getting somewhere.

i'm thinking about sponsoring a child from another country. i think i might be financially able to do it, if the donation requirements weren't too high. i'd like to contribute, to give back. that is my tithe. i see those damn commercials on tv and it always breaks my heart. i'd like to do something about it.

i'm starting to feel like maybe i won't love teaching. and that, is a terribly terrifying idea. i'm already becoming a lazy teacher. that scares me.

my cat is curled up next to me in my recliner. my friend's son, my connermonster, is asleep on my loveseat. we've had a fun evening. i've spent some time with friends, worked, and went to school. it's been a productive week.

i'm glad it's friday.

10 things i hate (love too) about...everything

i feel like being brutally honest.
about myself.
my life.
etc.
if i want to make changes,
i must first decide what does or does not need to be changed.
so these are the 10 things list.
(and yes i do love heath ledger)

10 things i hate about myself emotionally/personally.
1. i do not move on/get over things easilly.
2. i'm too emotional.
3. i sometimes use my gift with words for evil.
4. i can be clingy.
5. i'm really insecure.
6. i can be co-dependent. not so much on relationships anymore, learned that lesson the hard way, but on best friends.
7. i am awful at money.
8. i am irresponsible, always late, lazy, procrastinator, forgetful, basically not an adult.
9. i'm not brave.
10. i always think i'll be happier... fill in the blank. when i move out. when i graduate highschool. when i move away. when i move back. when i'm done with school. when i'm a teacher. when i have a boyfriend. when i break up with my boyfriend. when i have sex. when i stop having sex. when i quit smoking. when i smoke another cigarette. when i'm a mother. when i go to church again.
i focus so much on the future and goals, that i often forget to enjoy the present until it's gone.

10 things i love about myself emotionally/personally.
1. my ability to love. i have loved truly, with my whole heart, body and soul, gave everything i had to give. and i am proud of myself if for nothing else, being brave enough to do that.
2. i'm stubborn. it's a fault but i am glad i have it. it protects me, it gets me where i need to be.
3. i'm a decent writer i think, and it's something i love.
4. i'm really great with kids.
5. i'm a really fast reader.
6. i'm really compasionate.
7. i pray a lot.
8. i'm not a girly girl. i'm not horribly materialistic. i'm not very greedy.
9. i know myself, very well. good and bad, like this post will show you. and i am confident that no one else can ever tell me something about myself that i don't already know is or isn't true. it helps me ignore other's opinions.
10. while it did not come naturally, and like i admitted before i am not completely, i am a much more independent, self-reliable person.

10 things i hate about my body.
1. my stomach.
2. my love handles.
3. cellulite. nuff said.
4. hello twice in the arm. nuff said.
5. 22 year old with acne?
6. migraines.
7. knee problems.
8. back problems due to knee problems.
9. period from hell. thanks eve.
10. short torso.

10 things i love about my body.
1. my breasts.
2. my smile.
3. my eyes.
4. baby hands.
5. kid feet.
6. long legs for miles.
7. my peircings.
8. my tattoos.
9. my long hair.
10. my eyelashes. no mascara needed. thank you for that.

10 things i hate about my life.
1. boring school.
2. not graduated yet.
3. working my ass off.
4. no one to share it with.
5. all my friends being couples.
6. lack of funds.
7. feeling like i'm never gonna be satisfied.
8. missing people.
9. hiring freeze.
10. being impatient, feeling like i'm waiting for my life to start.

10 things i love about my life.
1. friends.
2. family.
3. pets.
4. almost done with school.
5. God's presence.
6. starting to look like i'll be making money.
7. i'm 21.
8. i have my own apartment.
9. i no longer have to go to classes.
10. netflix and hulu lol.

10 things i hate about oklahoma.
1. it's not hawaii.
2. ice.
3. 120 deg heat.
4. no mountains.
5. no ocean.
6. big cities are not fun like nyc or chicago. no subways and no trains. just smelly busses. not fun.
7. stillwater.
8. rednecks.
9. bible belt.
10. nothing to do.

10 things i love about oklahoma.
1. fall
2. we get all 4 seasons.
3. it occasionally snows somewhere near christmas *occasionally*
4. i can drive places and it doesn't take 3 hours to get across town.
5. country boys. *there is a difference*
6. lakes.
7. trees.
8. lots of churches to choose from. *there is a difference*
9. not as dangerous to raise a family.
10. sunsets. i maintain that they're prettier here.


things i want to change after reviewing this list and careful consideration *(which lasted 2 seconds)*
1. my self body image. i need more confidence. i hould not have been able to come up with 10 things i hate, and it should've been easier to come up with 10 i love.
2. that being said, i do need to tone up.
3. i need to get my shit done.
4. i need to get places on time.
5. i need to write more.
6. i need to start looking for a job.
7. i need to finalize plans for hawaii.
8. i need to be more grateful for the good.
9. i need to let go of the past, stop fixating on the future, and enjoy my freaking present. it's a present for goodness sakes.
10. i need to stop watching corny movies like 10 things i hate about you. (favorite).